Where to from here?

Tonight, I’ve crawled out from under my duvet to bare my heart, soul, and cellulite (metaphorically speaking).

I need help. 

I have an email from WordPress in my inbox telling me that my domain name is coming up for renewal and, do I want to renew it?
I don’t know.
Do I?
I have until mid-Jan to decide.

I haven’t posted on here in a long time.  In over two months, which is ridiculous.
Sure, I’ve thought about it.  But never actually wrote anything.  Because it’s felt like I haven’t actually done anything.

This reminder has prompted me to at least put those thoughts into writing.  Even if I don’t continue with the blog.  I’ve always found some benefit in committing my thoughts to writing – regardless of whether I even read them again.

Today, 16 December 2014 – only 9 days out from Christmas – I am the biggest I’ve been in over two years.  And I hate it.  

This morning, I stepped on the scales at 77kg.
My heaviest weight (on record) was 82kg, though… I did just stop checking the scales at that point.

The last time I was this weight I was genuinely unhappy with my lot.  I was living with a guy who was suffocating and manipulative – a truly unhealthy relationship that I did not see for what it was until the end, and even then, not for a long time after.

Now, I’m seeing an awesome guy who – while frustrating at times (because, who isn’t?) – is encouraging and supportive.   The kind of guy you wanna take home because you know he’ll get Mum and Dad’s seal of approval.

It couldn’t be more different now, but sometimes there’s a quiet, nagging voice in the back of my head that asks if this is the same thing all over again.

The rational me tell the nagging voice to sod off, but the thing about the sub-conscious is that it lingers.  So I eat.  Lots.

The real problem is my relationship with food – and the gym.

I’ve always joked that it would be too easy for me to become an alcoholic.  A terrible ‘joke’ because it’s a disease that shouldn’t be laughed at.  But it was more a recognition that I have this addictive streak that quickly overwhelms me.

The reality is, I’m addicted to sugar.  My body is existing on cr*p food because that is what I shovel into it day in and day out.  It’s fuel, but it isn’t food.  It’s definitely not the right fuel for the job.

Tonight I chowed through an entire packet of mallowpuffs.  You know, the packets that should take a family a couple of days to get through – I ate one in an hour.  Because I finished work and that’s all my body wanted to do.  I found myself on auto-pilot to the supermarket biscuit aisle when I should have been walking to the gym.  I had all my gear there with me – I’d packed it all especially.  But I just toted it into the supermarket with me, and straight back home so I could get my sugar fix.

This happens all the time.

And, I know I can cut out the sugar – I’ve done it before! But right now, in this moment, the concept is incomprehensible.  It doesn’t feel like that was me.  I feel so removed from that.  The positivity in the other posts on this blog – I don’t remember those feelings.  I know I wrote them.  But I don’t remember the feelings that would serve as some nice, positive reinforcement right about now.

My abs hurt all the time.  Not from the gym, but from the constant bloating.

Logically, I know it’s my diet (and lack of exercise!) but there’s a mental brick wall between the ‘knowing’ and the ‘doing’.  I suspect this is how smokers feel when they’re bombarded with anti-smoking advertising… you know its wrong, but you just can’t stop.

It’s been a loooooong time since I’ve gone to the gym in any consistent pattern.  It used to be that I’d get there at least a couple of times, because I had personal training once a week and just going once was ‘stupid’.

My trainer dumped me.  
Via SMS.
The day we were meant to be having our session.
After rescheduling on me 3 times in as many days the week before.

I suspect I have a bit of a sub-conscious “eff-ewe” reaction going on there, which doesn’t help.

So where does that leave me now?
Honestly, I don’t know.
What can I do?
I know what I should do.
I know that I have done it before.
But, how do I get the motivation back?  How do I find my mojo?
Because, at the moment, I just think about my legs in my gym pants and I want to go cry in bed with a block of chocolate and bottle of ginger beer.

22 thoughts on “Where to from here?

  1. Hi. I’ve followed you for awhile but never commented. I’m usually not up at this hour. I’m glad I am though because I just saw your post as I was scrolling through email.

    I’ve been in a similar situation before. Don’t give up! Finda friend to support you or ask your guy for help with accountability. Eff the trainer. Find a new one! Start small and take each day at a time. Progress not perfection. You got this!

  2. Life is a rollercoaster, don’t we know it! Giving up sugar is hard. Very hard. I shoukd know. I’ve had to do it 6 times so far. My blog doesn’t actually say this but I had to go cold-turkey 6x to kick the bloody habit. I’m not currently at my goal weight bur I’m not far off. And having dobe ot several times I do think it gets easier each time. Sugar is a drug and you know it only too well. And knowing it is half the battle won. Plenty of people I know are in complete denial about sugar and processed carbs. They think “all things in moderation” or “eat less, move more”. All crap!

    Personally, I think you have all the ingredients to get started on the right track again: sound knowledge and a clever, inquisitive mind; a supportive environment (said boyfriend and the blogosphere); and an addictive streak that can in fact work in your favour like it has for me.

    So please don’t abandon your blog. But keep it not for our sakes but for your own. Keep it as a diary of sorts – at the very least.

    Get addicted to healthy food. Get fixated on nutrition. Find sweet alternatives that won’t kill you. And walk and run and go to the gum because moving and sweating is an amazing privilege ti take advantage of.

    Take care and Merry Christmas!

    Kim*
    http://www.100days100ways.wordpress.com

    • Thanks Kim. Sugar IS a drug, and it is just like any other addiction – a tough, b*tch of a struggle to kick. Good on you for keeping at it! Your motivation is encouraging, thank you 🙂

  3. Finding your mojo answers the question to close blog. I’ve found that blogging helps me be accountable ie weekly challenge. Tackle one fitness/health issue each week.

  4. For me setting long term dream goals and short term reachable goals keep it fun. I like checking things off, so I write them down and post them in visible places. On the wall of my cube at work is great, I see it when I get there and when I leave. I also keep a journal where I note what I’ve eaten and how much I’ve worked out, just briefly, not too detailed or anything, but I summarize each week and month. Now most of my efforts are to help keep me on track with my training, more so then fitness, but doing these things has helped keep me motivated to go from running 25 miles a week to 80+ and competitively racing. So I can say that they’ve worked for me!

  5. Hi, sorry to hear that you are on a down. I can see how demoralising being dumped by your trainer must be, but hey, you were paying them I’m guessing and they didn’t want the work. Their problem. Find another. I know that it’s made you feel low but it’s them, really it is. But takng that first step will be the hardest. (Finding a new trainer). I’ve been following your blog for ages and I know that you are a wonderful person. Don’t lose yourself in this. Forgive yourself for gaining a few pounds, decide what you want and go for it. Good luck! Juliexx

    • Thanks Julie – I really appreciate the encouragement 🙂 finding a trainer is definitely a tough step, but an important one. I can feel the momentum building…

  6. Hey Peonut,
    don’t be low. you have been motivational factor for lots of peoples like me.so pls keep going. It is new year time. time to set new goals.Even my weightloss goals of last year did not work at all. in fact i have gained weight but i have accounted all in my blog.http://doallyoucan-yes.blogspot.com/..
    So coming year 2015 i am again going to start afresh.
    keep going ..
    Smita

  7. It is not the substance that is used that makes one an addictive personality,
    it is how we abuse the substance to rationalize an emotional deficiency.
    (sugar, alcohol, sex, gambling, workaholic, relationships, nicotine, etc ….)
    Your mojo is not lost … you are … you cannot realize your self esteem from a relationship with another when your relationship with yourself is unhealthy.
    Change … keep the blog … as you write you will subconsciously identify the things that need to be changed in your life, telling on yourself is a great motivator, this post was a good start, keep the dialogue going, the blog world will support you. Have faith, have courage, you did it before, you can do it again.
    http://meandtheboss.com/

    • Thanks for the comment – I think you’re right about a lot of it. And ‘giving up’ isn’t going to help at all… accountability it important. And so is keeping up the blog.

  8. For years I yoyo dieted and got bigger and bigger. I tried all sorts or miracle diets and exercise regimes. I was looking for a magic cure and overnIght answer. I was close to 90kg! Hated myself. Comfort ate. Watching Biggest Loser (whist eating chocolate) finally made me look at things differently. I forgot the bigger picture and concentrated on one little goal at a time. I went back to real basics, dumped all the silly fads and bought a calorie counting book. I found exercises I loved that I could fit into my everyday life (this took a while). I made all this part of my normal routine by keeping doing it again and again, day after day. I didn’t beat myself up when I had one bad day but I moved on to the next and picked up the pieces. Finally I joined an online weight loss club. The encouragement on the forums, plus a little healthy competition, helped me shift the final weight to get to my goal. It took two years.I signed up for the London Moonwalk marathon and trained for it. You know it hasn’t all been plain sailing but I’ve remained at a healthy weight, if not my goal, for several years. Don’t give up! If I can do it so can you. X

  9. I’ve been following your blog for a while now too and I think you’re great! So what if you haven’t blogged in a couple of months, neither have I, life gets in the way sometimes! Especially if you have a “real” job like us too. Don’t be so hard on yourself – coming from someone who is also hard on herself lol. You’ll find your motivation again eventually 🙂

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