Do You Really Want This?

There are plenty of reasons to do things.
Fun.  Expectations.  Routine.  Habit.  Fluke.  Because someone told you to.

There are as many reasons as there are things.

But what about the bigger stuff?  Those life-changing goals.
The collation of lots of little actions.  Small moves.  Those things. 

To accomplish something bigger, you need motivation.  Inspiration.  Drive.  A plan.

I’m sitting here, on my comfy new bed, staring at a half-eaten pizza and feeling really disappointed.
What I can’t figure out is whether I’m disappointed because I ate the pizza, or if I ate the pizza because I feel disappointed.  A little from column A & a little from column B, I suspect.

Which begs the question – how much do I want this?  My weight-loss goal.

A lot.  A lot a lot.  But do I want it for me, or because I feel like I should?
That part, I really don’t know.

So, I know I can.
But do I really want it?

A Good Day For a Stroll

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Since getting back home in the city for New Years, I’ve been able to get back to the gym a bit.  It’s great – Wellington’s not really a summer destination so everyone clears out of the city and places like the gym are empty.  You’re almost guaranteed to get the gear you’re after.  No waiting.  It’s great.

But when the sun comes out, you have to make the most of it – get outside and enjoy the fresh air!

We’ve had a run of good weather recently (except New Years Eve, because this is Wellington and that would have been too easy.  See earlier ‘not really a summer destination’ comment) so we planned to have a walk around to the seal colony at Red Rocks.

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There weren’t any seals – it’s the completely wrong time of year (we’d need to be there in winter).  But the walk was good.

Great company. Good views.

Nice start to the day.

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Learned a couple of things today, too.

  1. Bees like purple.  Don’t have purple on or around your crotch.  This can lead to very tense moments.
  2. Always wear sunblock.  Always.  And it you think you have enough on, put some more on anyway.
  3. You don’t have to sit down to get sand in your pants, unfortunately. (WTF?  Wellington, you’re a creepy kind of windy).  Also, bonus lesson: you never grow out of it.

Yup.  You learn something new everyday.

What did you get up to today?
What did you learn?

 

Where to from here?

Tonight, I’ve crawled out from under my duvet to bare my heart, soul, and cellulite (metaphorically speaking).

I need help. 

I have an email from WordPress in my inbox telling me that my domain name is coming up for renewal and, do I want to renew it?
I don’t know.
Do I?
I have until mid-Jan to decide.

I haven’t posted on here in a long time.  In over two months, which is ridiculous.
Sure, I’ve thought about it.  But never actually wrote anything.  Because it’s felt like I haven’t actually done anything.

This reminder has prompted me to at least put those thoughts into writing.  Even if I don’t continue with the blog.  I’ve always found some benefit in committing my thoughts to writing – regardless of whether I even read them again.

Today, 16 December 2014 – only 9 days out from Christmas – I am the biggest I’ve been in over two years.  And I hate it.  

This morning, I stepped on the scales at 77kg.
My heaviest weight (on record) was 82kg, though… I did just stop checking the scales at that point.

The last time I was this weight I was genuinely unhappy with my lot.  I was living with a guy who was suffocating and manipulative – a truly unhealthy relationship that I did not see for what it was until the end, and even then, not for a long time after.

Now, I’m seeing an awesome guy who – while frustrating at times (because, who isn’t?) – is encouraging and supportive.   The kind of guy you wanna take home because you know he’ll get Mum and Dad’s seal of approval.

It couldn’t be more different now, but sometimes there’s a quiet, nagging voice in the back of my head that asks if this is the same thing all over again.

The rational me tell the nagging voice to sod off, but the thing about the sub-conscious is that it lingers.  So I eat.  Lots.

The real problem is my relationship with food – and the gym.

I’ve always joked that it would be too easy for me to become an alcoholic.  A terrible ‘joke’ because it’s a disease that shouldn’t be laughed at.  But it was more a recognition that I have this addictive streak that quickly overwhelms me.

The reality is, I’m addicted to sugar.  My body is existing on cr*p food because that is what I shovel into it day in and day out.  It’s fuel, but it isn’t food.  It’s definitely not the right fuel for the job.

Tonight I chowed through an entire packet of mallowpuffs.  You know, the packets that should take a family a couple of days to get through – I ate one in an hour.  Because I finished work and that’s all my body wanted to do.  I found myself on auto-pilot to the supermarket biscuit aisle when I should have been walking to the gym.  I had all my gear there with me – I’d packed it all especially.  But I just toted it into the supermarket with me, and straight back home so I could get my sugar fix.

This happens all the time.

And, I know I can cut out the sugar – I’ve done it before! But right now, in this moment, the concept is incomprehensible.  It doesn’t feel like that was me.  I feel so removed from that.  The positivity in the other posts on this blog – I don’t remember those feelings.  I know I wrote them.  But I don’t remember the feelings that would serve as some nice, positive reinforcement right about now.

My abs hurt all the time.  Not from the gym, but from the constant bloating.

Logically, I know it’s my diet (and lack of exercise!) but there’s a mental brick wall between the ‘knowing’ and the ‘doing’.  I suspect this is how smokers feel when they’re bombarded with anti-smoking advertising… you know its wrong, but you just can’t stop.

It’s been a loooooong time since I’ve gone to the gym in any consistent pattern.  It used to be that I’d get there at least a couple of times, because I had personal training once a week and just going once was ‘stupid’.

My trainer dumped me.  
Via SMS.
The day we were meant to be having our session.
After rescheduling on me 3 times in as many days the week before.

I suspect I have a bit of a sub-conscious “eff-ewe” reaction going on there, which doesn’t help.

So where does that leave me now?
Honestly, I don’t know.
What can I do?
I know what I should do.
I know that I have done it before.
But, how do I get the motivation back?  How do I find my mojo?
Because, at the moment, I just think about my legs in my gym pants and I want to go cry in bed with a block of chocolate and bottle of ginger beer.

#100happydays – two months on

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How’s everyone going with their #100happydays challenge?

Those of you that committed to it when I last posted – are you still going?
And those of you that thought it was a good idea, but weren’t ready to commit… have you come back to it?

I’m still going strong – 72 days and counting.  Confident that I’ll knock out the full 100, too.

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It’s been great.  Focusing on the positive, even over the last month or so where my mind has been so…scattered.  Finding the things that make me happy in ordinary, everyday life.  And the special events!

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A common thread through my daily photos is my knitting.  It’s been my creative outlet and to say that my behaviour has been a little obsessive would… not be too far off.  But I prefer to say ‘passionate’.

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If I could, I would be spending all day in bed with my knitting.  But, sadly, that won’t pay for my habits – knitting or training.  And without a hard train, how do you earn your R&R?

IQS – Weeks Five & Six: Feelin’ Good!

It’s been a bit difficult finding stuff to post about in the fifth (& then sixth) week, because at this stage these habits I’m trying to develop are starting to feel normal;

Reading labels and avoiding food with too much sugar?  Normal. 
Explaining to nay-sayers why I eat this way?  Normal. 
Not chasing every meal with a sweet-treat?  Normal. 
Cooking my own food:  Normal.

Then there are the really good parts that stood out at first that I now expect of my body;

Not dealing with the mid-afternoon sugar crash?  Normal. 
Trusting my body to tell me when it’s hungry?  Normal.
To be able to eat dairy without issue?  Normal.
(That last one’s a big deal for me – more on it in a later post!)

The weight-loss has slowed, with no notable loss over the last two weeks, but my body has changed so much.  A lot has to do with the training I’ve been picking up – but a lot also has to do with the way I’m listening to my body.  If it’s hungry, I eat.  If it’s not hungry, I’ll wait a bit before starting dinner.  

I have not been counting calories.  I have not been worried about my portion sizes.  I eat until I’m full, and I don’t feel guilty about leaving food on my plate.  Any leftovers just get packaged up with lunch the next day.

I have a confidence in my body – and in my understanding of my body – that I didn’t have six weeks ago.  I love that!

The one thing I’m struggling to give up is artificial sweeteners in my drinks.  Namely Coke Zero.  But I’ve found ways to reduce my intake from what it was.  This is a slow part of the journey, and I’m happy to take my time – as long as I don’t go backwards.

Headed into Week Seven, I don’t know if there’s much that will be different from Week Six.  So much of this is habit now, that – apart from these posts – I’m not actually thinking about the process as separate, individually identifiable weeks.  They’re all just part of the process.

Here’s to keeping up the habit!