Food for Thought

Do you think in pictures or words?
When you read “the brown cow waddled to the gate” do you picture the cow walking, or do the words swirl around in your head?

Usually, I see a version of what’s being described – like a movie playing out in my bed.  Every now and then there’ll be a key word that just flashes – as a word – and that’s what sticks in my memory.  Not the pictures, just the word.

Once I learned this, it made studying so much easier.  Learn the keyword prompts that will get the movie to play in your head, so you can put it down on paper.  Super.

But then there are strange times like this morning.  I have no idea what I was dreaming about, but I woke with the words “GYM LUBE” at the forefront of my mind.  Big, white letters on a plain black background.

“GYM LUBE”

I have no idea what that means.

There’s definitely a Google search warranted, but not until after work tonight.  This isn’t the sort of thing to look up on your work phone, on an overcrowded public bus…

Back to the Grind!

Today marks the end of my summer holidays.  Back to work tomorrow, and I’m looking forward to it.

So, I made it a day of pampering.  It was great – gym, sauna, massage, shopping, movies, home for a delicious home cooked dinner and in bed well before my usual bed time.  Success.

There was plenty of yarny-goodness, too.  As a knitting-fiend, this sight in the changing room made me super happy:
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Seriously, look at this – I want to make one, too! Going to have to learn how to crochet…
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Any other yarn-addicts out there?  Have you found a way to blend it with your fitness / gym activities?

Do You Really Want This?

There are plenty of reasons to do things.
Fun.  Expectations.  Routine.  Habit.  Fluke.  Because someone told you to.

There are as many reasons as there are things.

But what about the bigger stuff?  Those life-changing goals.
The collation of lots of little actions.  Small moves.  Those things. 

To accomplish something bigger, you need motivation.  Inspiration.  Drive.  A plan.

I’m sitting here, on my comfy new bed, staring at a half-eaten pizza and feeling really disappointed.
What I can’t figure out is whether I’m disappointed because I ate the pizza, or if I ate the pizza because I feel disappointed.  A little from column A & a little from column B, I suspect.

Which begs the question – how much do I want this?  My weight-loss goal.

A lot.  A lot a lot.  But do I want it for me, or because I feel like I should?
That part, I really don’t know.

So, I know I can.
But do I really want it?

Where to from here?

Tonight, I’ve crawled out from under my duvet to bare my heart, soul, and cellulite (metaphorically speaking).

I need help. 

I have an email from WordPress in my inbox telling me that my domain name is coming up for renewal and, do I want to renew it?
I don’t know.
Do I?
I have until mid-Jan to decide.

I haven’t posted on here in a long time.  In over two months, which is ridiculous.
Sure, I’ve thought about it.  But never actually wrote anything.  Because it’s felt like I haven’t actually done anything.

This reminder has prompted me to at least put those thoughts into writing.  Even if I don’t continue with the blog.  I’ve always found some benefit in committing my thoughts to writing – regardless of whether I even read them again.

Today, 16 December 2014 – only 9 days out from Christmas – I am the biggest I’ve been in over two years.  And I hate it.  

This morning, I stepped on the scales at 77kg.
My heaviest weight (on record) was 82kg, though… I did just stop checking the scales at that point.

The last time I was this weight I was genuinely unhappy with my lot.  I was living with a guy who was suffocating and manipulative – a truly unhealthy relationship that I did not see for what it was until the end, and even then, not for a long time after.

Now, I’m seeing an awesome guy who – while frustrating at times (because, who isn’t?) – is encouraging and supportive.   The kind of guy you wanna take home because you know he’ll get Mum and Dad’s seal of approval.

It couldn’t be more different now, but sometimes there’s a quiet, nagging voice in the back of my head that asks if this is the same thing all over again.

The rational me tell the nagging voice to sod off, but the thing about the sub-conscious is that it lingers.  So I eat.  Lots.

The real problem is my relationship with food – and the gym.

I’ve always joked that it would be too easy for me to become an alcoholic.  A terrible ‘joke’ because it’s a disease that shouldn’t be laughed at.  But it was more a recognition that I have this addictive streak that quickly overwhelms me.

The reality is, I’m addicted to sugar.  My body is existing on cr*p food because that is what I shovel into it day in and day out.  It’s fuel, but it isn’t food.  It’s definitely not the right fuel for the job.

Tonight I chowed through an entire packet of mallowpuffs.  You know, the packets that should take a family a couple of days to get through – I ate one in an hour.  Because I finished work and that’s all my body wanted to do.  I found myself on auto-pilot to the supermarket biscuit aisle when I should have been walking to the gym.  I had all my gear there with me – I’d packed it all especially.  But I just toted it into the supermarket with me, and straight back home so I could get my sugar fix.

This happens all the time.

And, I know I can cut out the sugar – I’ve done it before! But right now, in this moment, the concept is incomprehensible.  It doesn’t feel like that was me.  I feel so removed from that.  The positivity in the other posts on this blog – I don’t remember those feelings.  I know I wrote them.  But I don’t remember the feelings that would serve as some nice, positive reinforcement right about now.

My abs hurt all the time.  Not from the gym, but from the constant bloating.

Logically, I know it’s my diet (and lack of exercise!) but there’s a mental brick wall between the ‘knowing’ and the ‘doing’.  I suspect this is how smokers feel when they’re bombarded with anti-smoking advertising… you know its wrong, but you just can’t stop.

It’s been a loooooong time since I’ve gone to the gym in any consistent pattern.  It used to be that I’d get there at least a couple of times, because I had personal training once a week and just going once was ‘stupid’.

My trainer dumped me.  
Via SMS.
The day we were meant to be having our session.
After rescheduling on me 3 times in as many days the week before.

I suspect I have a bit of a sub-conscious “eff-ewe” reaction going on there, which doesn’t help.

So where does that leave me now?
Honestly, I don’t know.
What can I do?
I know what I should do.
I know that I have done it before.
But, how do I get the motivation back?  How do I find my mojo?
Because, at the moment, I just think about my legs in my gym pants and I want to go cry in bed with a block of chocolate and bottle of ginger beer.

#100happydays – two months on

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How’s everyone going with their #100happydays challenge?

Those of you that committed to it when I last posted – are you still going?
And those of you that thought it was a good idea, but weren’t ready to commit… have you come back to it?

I’m still going strong – 72 days and counting.  Confident that I’ll knock out the full 100, too.

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It’s been great.  Focusing on the positive, even over the last month or so where my mind has been so…scattered.  Finding the things that make me happy in ordinary, everyday life.  And the special events!

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A common thread through my daily photos is my knitting.  It’s been my creative outlet and to say that my behaviour has been a little obsessive would… not be too far off.  But I prefer to say ‘passionate’.

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If I could, I would be spending all day in bed with my knitting.  But, sadly, that won’t pay for my habits – knitting or training.  And without a hard train, how do you earn your R&R?